In the Midst of them All
It was not a very unusual case.
A day like this was not another page I haven’t seen yesterday.
Repetition, redundancy, a plain look back.
Was it just a smile, or maybe another way of hiding the knock out?
A friend told me before, we were talking about a lot of things, life, school, work, relationships, and what we can say of today. And he told me a lot of stuff, and I listen too. When it was my turn, a couple of topics was just I wanted to offer, but sometimes, intrigue really makes a big BIG difference. Cutting the long story short, his line was, ” Tol, kahit saan tingnan, para sakin, bastante ka na…”. I was quite puzzled what he was trying to tell me, and what really was his point how come “bastante”.
It took me a lot longer than the usual but still, I figured it out. He was pointing out about what there was with me and the things that happened to me. Yah, I could say, he is somehow correct. A thing or two, or maybe more might have been true. Nonetheless, the question remains, NOW WHAT?
The door was closed already, I for one only sits on one side. I’m waiting for something, or maybe someone. A certain event, that which I’ve been longing for for so long. After that, I don’t know what’s next.
By March 2010, a new door shall open. Another chapter closes and I need to write something new in life. A turning point I must take. After that, everything in my past shall be a long memory. No more strings, no more attachments.
But how I wish I could say sorry…
To the people I’ve caused pain, again and again. To the people who caused me pain, I still say sorry. For I believe, you wouldn’t have done such to me, if I was doing something right. Oh how I wish a simple opportunity to ask for an apology would be available. And if I could give something in return to take back my mistakes. I wish I could. I really wish I could.
One person, a very significant person in my life… I have caused her pain. And when I realized I did, it was too late. Again and again I ask for her to forgive me. Her reply was a simple smile with the words, “I’ve forgiven you long before you asked forgiveness”. But I can surely see. That my mistake, that which I made, bares a huge scar in her life I could not undo. Not even a sorry can erase.
So how much more to those I haven’t asked for forgiveness? How much more for those I’ve caused more than a million times of pain? To those who cried waves of tears? Sleepless nights? Even suicides?
My conscience is killing me….
It has been killing me for so long…
If in one way or another, you reading this post is someone I caused pain. Please tell me, let me take the punishment.. somehow….
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